Heartbreak Hurts - but you can heal!

Heartbreak hurts!!! When someone you love just up and tells you they don't love you and they hate you. It's like your whole world comes crashing down. You grab your phone several times to contact them, but in the end save yourself the embarrassment. You try to be strong, but the pain in your heart is real. And moving on is hard... What do you do? How do you make it to the next phase of your life without crying everyday?

YOU DON'T!!! 

You can't ignore every emotion running through your body. You have to grasp them and express them outwardly somehow. If you feel like crying - cry! Feel like screaming - scream! If you hold it in, it will take that much longer to heal, causing you never to truly move on. This is one of the reason so many of us have baggage when we move to the next relationship, because we never truly healed from the last one. 

Some of us have several heartaches topped on each other, which causes insecurities, anger and trust issues. Give your time to heal... Don't be quick to rush into the next one either. You have to be completely comfortable with you before you can become comfortable with the next. - Love Tichelle 💋

Let Me Explain....

So I realized from my post a few minutes ago, that I start a lot of my posts off with finding the perfect the person. I know that starts to sound repetitive but let me explain why my brains thinks like that.

In relationships the beginning always seems so perfect. You laugh, hold hands, kiss constantly… you really show just the perfect amount of affection and love to one another. That person seems like the one person that you have waited for your entire life.

Then BOOM!!!

All of a sudden something happens and the perfect person can become a nightmare. I find that in some of my relationships it has been because I have been so wrapped up in the good things that I ignore all the red flags. Stupid, I

know, but how many people can say that they haven’t?

In other relationships, some people didn’t show their true colors until I was so wrapped up that I was confused. I have always been a loyal person, so I try to stay and work it out until my brain finally clicks back to reality. Until I finally realize that I am wasting my time. I can’t tell you how much time I have truly wasted.

Now some of them were my fault. I have not been a perfect girlfriend in all of my relationships. I have my faults and flaws, but I am a big girl and admit when I am wrong.

I really just want people to understand that you can’t wrap yourself in a relationship and think it will be perfect. You don’t truly know a person until you have had your first argument. When you see what they are like and the words that come out their mouth when they are mad at you. That’s when you truly know who they are and what they are thinking.

But you also find out how they are when they apologize. If they apologize, admit their faults and seriously put forth an effort to change. Not change for you, but change for them - then you know that they are worth it.

There is NO perfect relationship, show me one and I will show you some serious issues. Many that portray to be perfect are hiding insecurities and many times abuse. Every relationship will have issues; you just have to know if the issues are something that you can deal with.

Holding out for the perfect relationship will have you gray-haired with a house full of cats. I’m just saying - it will never come. 

Your first BIG argument... Can you make it past it?

You have finally met the girl/guy of your dreams, everything seems to be going amazing and you are happier than ever before. Then it happens – you have the biggest fight you ever had. Things seem different, true colors have been shown, deep thoughts and fears revealed. Now that perfect relationship that you have been bragging on has turned upside down. Neither of you are talking to one another, you’re walking past each other like you don’t exist and making slick comments under your breath. What do you do? Can you come back from this?

Many people I know will say no… Matter fact, they will say HELL NO! (A lot of my friends take no mess.) But what about if you truly love this person and know that they are the one for you. How do you turn it around so that you can get back to a healthy relationship and stop the pettiness?

First of all, stop ignoring each other and sit down and have a conversation. Truly listen to each other. Take the opportunity to get out all your fears and complaints without holding back. Getting it all out now will prevent this same argument from reoccurring.

 

Sometimes in this conversation you realize that the person that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with never returned the same feelings. Don’t dwell on that. Count your losses and move on. You deserve someone who will love you the same way you love them.

In other instances, you both realize that maybe this relationship was moving too fast. If this is the case, step back and take it slow. Maybe you all rushed because you saw the potential, but rushing will only ruin something that can be perfect.

All in all you need to decide for you if this person is worth getting back. Would someone that truly loves you act like you don’t exist? Would you ignore someone you truly love? Who is being childish you, them or both? Why? Is there a deeper reason behind both of your attitudes?

Maybe you all didn’t talk as much as you should have in the beginning, or maybe not about the right things. Whatever it is, once you make it through this, if your relationship is still standing, you will have made your relationship stronger. So move past it. Don’t hold on or hold grudges. (I will speak on that topic at a later date.)

~Love Tichelle

You Can't Force Love... Don't Settle Just Because its There.

So today I read in a group I'm in about a girl who is in a relationship with this guy who wants to make her settle down, but she's not ready. What's crazy is a lot of the women were commenting that she was stupid for not settling down with him. I think it crazy that these women think that she should because he's a good guy. My question is how do they know? Because he is ready to get married? Because he wants to do what many men in this generation do not want to do?

I disagree!!! What this man is doing is trying to change and force her. You cannot force someone to be with you. I think I need to say that again. YOU CANNOT FORCE SOMEONE TO BE WITH YOU!!! In the end if that person will regret you and everything that comes with your relationship. What happens if you all have children? That person you forced to be with you will regret the children. There are too many loveless homes that many children are growing up in, why add another one?

It almost like many women are programmed to think that marriage and children are the only thing that we should aspire to have. Why? What are we in 1950? That was all women back in the day could aspire to have, unless they were a teacher, beautician or maid. Nowadays we can be anything that we want to be - lawyers, doctors, CEOs and any thing else we can imagine. Why settle for being just someones wife and mother.

Now I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being a housewife, but ONLY if thats what you WANT to do. You have to live your life for you and not want anyone else wants you to be. If you live your life to make others around you happy, you will NEVER and I repeat NEVER be happy.

I know of an elder lady who lived her whole life for what her family said she should do. She grew up, got married and had children. She lived her entire life making her husband and children happy. When all the children grew up and left home and her husband left her for a younger woman, she realized she had nothing. The worse part of it was she never wanted any of it. She was always attracted to women, but she knew that if she ever came out her family would disown her. There she was a senior citizen looking over her life and she was miserable. She never had a job so she had no skills and no degree. She had to start all over.

Why do that to yourself? Why not live everyday doing things that please you. If something doesn't make you happy, change it. Whether it's a job, relationship or living situation. Think about what steps you need to take to be happy and work towards that. You are never to late to start. That lady was well into her 50s and she opened up a restaurant, found her a girlfriend and to this day she is very happy. Everyone in her family and some old friends is not happy with her new life, a few have even cut her off, but she is happy. She wakes up with a smile on her face and goes to bed the same way.

What will make you happy? Why are you not going after it? Don't ever settle for anything that is not the best for you no matter who says you are stupid for not settling. ~ Love Tichelle

Exes can't be friends, can they?

So you meet the person of your dreams, they treat you good, talk good and seem like they are perfect for you. Love comes quick and you, in your head, plan a future with them. Next thing you know you find out about a crazy ex whom they still communicate with. What do you do? What can you do?

There's a saying, and I don't know who said it, that says you can't be friends with your ex. If you are they are probably still on love or they never were. That's the key reason why I am not friends with any of my exes. Minus high school or childhood exes, who don't count. I want even thinking about love back then.

So what do you do with your relationship? You have feelings now, but do you want to continue. Look at all the facts first. 

Is the ex disrespectful? If so run! If the person you are with doesn't stop this then they never will and there is no reason to be in that stressful situation. That's how windows become smashed, tires slashed and fights break out. They are still in love with your current and will do or say anything to tear your relationship up. I'd say move on so they can pick up their messy pieces.

How often do they talk, hangout or interact on social media? If it's often that is a red flag. Find out why their relationship end and how long ago because it seems that there is still some lingering feelings.

Through all of this my biggest advice is to talk to your significant other before jumping to conclusions. Let them know what makes you feel uncomfortable and why. Communication helps! Let them see from your point of view your concerns.

Hoped this helped. Love Tichelle

Why don't you really trust him/her?

Trust - firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something.

Trust is such a strong word. When you fully trust someone you are saying that you can trust them with you are. Meaning your emotions, your heart, your feelings, and your life. Trust is the backbone to commitment, but many don't have it. How can you be in love with someone without trust? You can't!

Lets get down to it, why don't you fully trust the one you're with? Did they do something to make you think they will hurt you? What is it Facebook? Instagram? Text messages?


Are you even sure its them you don't trust? Could it possibly be that you don't trust in general? Here's why I ask that....

In my relationships I have never really trusted, even before they really gave me a reason. I always thought it was because I have been in some seriously jacked up relationships. I have been cheated on, lied to and manipulated, but those were not the root to my problem. Here is my problem, the very first boy that I ever had a crush on and told it tried to rape me with several friends. To make the situation worse, my "friends" were there and walked out without trying to help me. I was chastised, bullied and had to leave town because I chose to stand up about it. Have I let it go? Yes, or at least I thought I did until 20 years later it came to me that this is my REAL reason for mistrusting people. It stems from something deeper.

Now I am not saying that everyone has a deep dark demon in their past, but sometimes when things happen in your life you need to get to the root of the problem. Find out why you keep attracting players and jerks instead of trying to fix them. Sometimes the reason you are having reoccurring problems is because you have to deal with what is really going on with you. I am, slowly, one day at a time. It's hard and my poor boo is usually the one catching all my crap along with my personal discoveries, but in order to make any relationship work you have to work on you first.

Hope this helps!!! Love Tichelle

Do You Always Have To Yell?

Relationships are hard, at least everyone I have had so far are. Communication is essential to keeping it alive and thriving, but what happens when you are both at a stand still and no one seems to be talking to anyone? Many people at this point run, they end the relationship and cut ties with the person only to feel guilty later because they really cared for that person. Try these steps:

1. Talk when you are ALONE about serious topics: Do not wait for an audience. Many people hold on to emotions and then decided that a room full of people is the best way to get a reaction out of the one they love. That is not right, or fair. When you do this you invite other people to give opinions on your relationship, which always causes conflict. Think about how many friends would love to here bad things about your relationship problems than to see you all actually work it out. What about that lurker in your group of friends that is just waiting for you all to break up? You are giving them the perfect opportunity.

2. Speak calm: When you yell or scream the other person is not listening to you. They are starting to feel like they are becoming attacked and will become defensive. Then your conversation will be lost. It doesn’t matter if you are saying have a nice day, if your tone doesn’t mean it then they will not hear it. Take deep breaths if you feel you are becoming irritated or upset and approach the conversation from a different way.

3. Pick your battles: If something is really not important to you, then don’t fight about it. Matter of fact, do you really even need to bring it up. Decide if it’s something that you can let go of. Don’t think you can let it go and then a few margaritas later you are bringing it up. Which leads me to:

4. Stay on topic: You can not get your point across about one topic if you are all over the place with another topic. Don’t bring up something that happened last week or two years ago. Talk about what is bothering you right then and there.

5. Refrain from physical violence: If you feel your temper is rising and you are getting to the point where you want to hit something or throw something, walk away. Evaluate if this person is even for you since you feel you have to get physical. Maybe you all need a break from each other permanently or maybe you need to invest in some anger management. There is never a reason to hit anyone.

6. If they walk away let them: They may need to cool off because of their temper. Don’t walk behind them pressing buttons or yell louder. Take the time yourself to get your thoughts together and calm the situation down.

Don’t wait until you are fuming mad to try and talk to your significant other. Talk to them about everything whether good or bad. The only way you will get to truly know each other is by opening up your life and letting this person in. Good luck!

Love Tichelle

Is Your Trust Issue Getting In The Way of Your Relationship

Have you ever looked at your S.O. (significant other) like ‘who the hell you talking to’ while they were on the phone? Or texting? What about when they are on their social media accounts? Well I have, don’t judge me. Why do we do that? Because nine times out of ten our level of trust is nothing. It took me several years to realize that I don’t trust anyone because I have been hurt. I don’t just mean hurt like I got cheated on hurt, which I have, but I have been deeply hurt. My ability to trust has been literally ripped apart and thrown out the window. So what do you do in these situations? Do you hack their accounts and check on what they are doing? NO!!!! What about go through their phone and read old text messages? Again, NO!!! Here’s what I do that keeps me from losing my mind or end up chasing someone away.

1. ASK QUESTIONS

            If something is bothering you ask about it. Don’t be afraid to say, “Hey babe, who are you on the phone with?” or “Baby what are you doing?” Try to refrain from attacking or pointing fingers at them. This will cause them to get defensive and then you have an argument that steamed from nothing. Tsk tsk tsk… No judgment here, I have done that. Ok… moving on…

2. DON’T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS

            Don’t automatically assume that because they are always on their phone or on social media that they are doing something disrespectful. I know for me Facebook is the only way I get to keep in touch with old friends. I’m not really a talk on the phone type person so I can easily make sure someone’s ok by simply logging in. Once again ask… Or secretly go to their page to make sure they are not up to something. Ok… bad joke… don’t really do that!!!

3. TALK

            Have you and your S.O. talked about boundaries and what makes you uncomfortable? How will he/she know that something makes you uncomfortable if you never discussed it? I realized that I never told my S.O. that them having conversations with an ex was uncomfortable for me. Sure we both had several friends that were exes, but this one particular chick makes my skin crawl. I don’t trust her, which in turn made me not trust my S.O. but I couldn’t get mad when I didn’t say that ahead of time. Although I still did because of the conversation, but that’s neither here nor there. (Totally different topic.) Anyways communication is very important in a lasting relationship. Express your feelings trust me that will work.

4. MAKE SURE ITS NOT YOUR GUILT

            Look at yourself, what are you doing? If you are inboxing someone inappropriately then that may be the reason that you think your S.O. is doing the same. Clear you conscience and either stop doing it or re-evaluate your relationship. What are the reasons that you are being so sneaky? Don’t jump down their throat because you are wrong. (Kind of in my feelings it seems, because I have had that done to me several time… ok let me calm down.)

Now by all means you really don’t have to do a thing because all things will eventually come to the light. Think about why you don’t trust them, have they done something in the past? Cheated on you? Lied? If they have and you said you forgave them have you? You can’t forgive them and you are still holding on to the past. It makes you full of resentment and in the end turns you bitter. Lord knows we don’t need any more bitterness in the world. I know a few that get on my nerves with it. Ugh!!!

Seriously though, if after all of this you still feel like there is something going on then it could be your intuition. If he/she is creeping, then make you decision to either drop their ass or try to work it out. No one can tell you where to go from that point, but stressing over what they are doing stops you from being able to live your life.